Giano Cromley's Guide to Books & Booze

Time to grab a book and get tipsy!

Back by popular demand, Books & Booze, originally a mini-series of sorts here on TNBBC challenges participating authors to make up their own drinks, name and all, or create a drink list for their characters and/or readers using drinks that already exist. 

Today, Giano Cromley discusses his fifteen year old protagonist's first experiences with alcohol:

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            When you're fifteen, alcohol is a precious commodity. Acquiring it can involve processes as laborious as gleaning crude oil from a bunch of sticky black sand. Because of this, Kirby Russo can't afford to be choosy when it comes to his drinks -- which he stubbornly refers to as cocktails, though they bear little relation to the artisanal, small-batch concoctions that are so much the norm these days.

            Kirby consumes his first drink in Chapter 1, shortly after returning home and finding the house empty -- a perfect excuse to relax after a week spent surviving the lawless Thunderdome that was computer camp. Upon opening his parents' liquor cabinet, Kirby notes that the trick is to find the bottle that's most nearly half-full, which makes it harder to notice when some is missing. On this particular day, Kirby selects a bottle of Black Velvet. Does he like the taste and character of this liquor? Probably not. It's just the one that's least likely to get him busted. Since Kirby is fifteen (and what fifteen year old really likes the taste of whiskey?) he adds a generous amount of ice and a splash of orange juice to cut it. If you were being generous, you might call this drink A Poor Man's Whiskey Sour. This is the beverage he's consuming when he finds out that his life has been completely upended.

            The Poor Man's Whiskey Sour works well when you're stealing liquor in small quantities, for those times when you're being a fifteen-year-old epicure. But there are times when you need to get your hands on a large amount of booze and you can't be picky. The second drink in The Last Good Halloween owes a major debt to one of those old soda pops we used to order when we were kids which we called a Suicide -- basically a squirt of every type of soda mixed together. Kirby, on the eve of an epic road trip which aims to restore his tattered family, combines a small amount of every liquor in his mom's liquor cabinet into a Mr. Pibb bottle. The resulting mixture is more medicinal than enjoyable. In good conscience I can't recommend this drink except under the most dire circumstances. As it turns out, this beverage turns out to be just the tonic Kirby needs, as it helps him stave off a panic attack just before he confronts his missing stepfather.

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Giano Cromley was born in Billings, Montana. The Last Good Halloween is his first novel. His writing has appeared in The Threepenny Review, Literal Latte, and The Bygone Bureau, among others. He is a recipient of an Artists Fellowship from the Illinois Arts Council. He teaches English at Kennedy-King College and lives on Chicago's South Side with his wife and two dogs.

Wayne Franklin's Would You Rather

Bored with the same old fashioned author interviews you see all around the blogosphere? Well, TNBBC's newest series is a fun, new, literary spin on the ole Would You Rather game. Get to know the authors we love to read in ways no other interviewer has. I've asked them to pick sides against the same 20 odd bookish scenarios. And just to spice it up a bit, each author gets to ask their own Would You Rather question to the author who appears after them....

Wayne Franklin's 

Would You Rather

Would you rather write an entire book with your feet or with your tongue?

I should say “my feet,” because my tongue tends to get me in more trouble. However, it’s exactly that quality about my tongue that will likely lead to better stories. Plus, the lack of opposable thumbs on my feet is a touchy subject for me.

Would you rather have one giant bestseller or a long string of moderate sellers?

Fortunately, I have a day job that I love: a producer, director and editor of commercials and documentary films. That means I’m not really focused on how many copies my books will sell, but how many people will be entertained by reading them. If I must choose, I’ll go with the long string … because I could use it as garland at Christmas, assuming the string is strong enough.

Would you rather be a well known author now or be considered a literary genius after you’re dead?

I published my first novel this year at 43. As a result, the second option is looking more likely than the first.

Would you rather write a book without using conjunctions or have every sentence of your book begin with one?

And what’s wrong with beginning a sentence with a conjunction? Or a question, for that matter?

Would you rather have every word of your favorite novel tattooed on your skin or always playing as an audio in the background for the rest of your life?

I have to go with the audio. As a father who works from home, I’ve become adept at tuning things out. Plus, the tattoo might get in the way of the map to Dry Land currently tattooed on my back. (Nothing brings the house down like outdated references to Costner in Waterworld.)

Would you rather write a book you truly believe in and have no one read it or write a crappy book that comprises everything you believe in and have it become an overnight success?

I have to go with the former, which might explain some things about my current career trajectory.

Would you rather write a plot twist you hated or write a character you hated?

A hated character can always be redeemed, but a heinous plot twist can never be untwisted.

Would you rather use your skin as paper or your blood as ink?

Blood as ink. In fact, I’m surprised the NSA isn’t requiring us all to do this, so our books will be indelibly marked with our DNA.

Would you rather become a character in your novel or have your characters escape the page and reenact the novel in real life?

I would much rather be a character in my novel. That world is much more fun and magical than our own.

Would you rather write without using punctuation and capitalization or without using words that contained the letter E?

I’ll have to go with the lack of punctuation. By the way, this question would have created a serious existential crisis for E.E. Cummings.

Would you rather have schools teach your book or ban your book?

Ban it! Bans are much better for marketing.

Would you rather be forced to listen to Ayn Rand bloviate for an hour or be hit on by an angry Dylan Thomas?

Is suicide an option? If I must choose, I’ll go with Thomas. An angry, drunken Welshman is far more preferable than listening to Rand recount the talking points of every neo-con on my Facebook newsfeed.

Would you rather be reduced to speaking only in haiku or be capable of only writing in haiku?

The temptation to answer

This one in haiku

Overwhelms my need to write

Would you rather be stuck on an island with only the 50 Shades Series or a series in a language you couldn’t read?

50 Shades. I could never use the other as fire starters or toilet paper without worrying it might be a classic.

Would you rather critics rip your book apart publically or never talk about it at all?

Coming from the advertising world, I have to go back to the old adage of “any publicity is good publicity.” Plus, it’s far better to boldly try and fail than to never try at all.

Would you rather have everything you think automatically appear on your Twitter feed or have a voice in your head narrate your every move?

Should I be worried that both of these are already true of my life? No, seriously, should I?

Would you rather give up your computer or pens and paper?

This one’s too easy. Pens and paper are only tools for creation. The computer not only serves as a writing tool, but is also my primary means of communications, a treasure trove of research and my window to the world when I’m locked in my windowless basement for 16-18 hours at a time. (No, I am not in prison. However, with the name Wayne, it’s only a matter of time.) Plus, thanks to lack of practice, my penmanship has become illegible even to me.

Would you rather write an entire novel standing on your tippy-toes or laying down flat on your back?

It depends. Am I writing a mystery or a steamy romance?

Would you rather read naked in front of a packed room or have no one show up to your reading?

Doing the former would result in the latter.

Would you rather read a book that is written poorly but has an excellent story, or read one with weak content but is written well? 

This is tricky. I’m a fan of wordplay, but I’m also a lover of strong narrative. Ultimately, a good story will linger longer with me than good style, and story affects people more deeply. I have to go with content.

And here's Wayne's response to Caleb J Ross's question from last week: 

Would you rather get drunk in a dive bar with J.K Rowling or attend a church service with Chuck Palahniuk?

 I'm not sure getting drunk with Jo would be wise, as I'm not entirely certain all those spells and potions are fictional. However, I think Chuck would dig my church. Better yet, I'd invite Chuck to meet me and my pastor in a bar. (My pastor always picks up the tab.)

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Check back next week to see how MP Johnson answer's Wayne's question:

 Would you rather be forced to kill off your favorite character or to make your least favorite character your protagonist?

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Wayne Franklin grew up in the suburbs of Mobile, Alabama, the son of a mechanic from rural Escambia County and an office manager from Fairhope – the inspiration for Decent Chance. Despite this undeniably Southern background and the fact that he is the creator of the blog real-southern.com, Wayne still has no discernible accent. 

A career commercial director and editor, Wayne co-founded the Sidewalk Film Festival in Birmingham and is the co-producer/director of the award-winning documentary Duke & The King. He is currently co-directing a new music documentary about legendary Newgrass pioneer Sam Bush and writing Midway Mouse, the sequel to Midlife Mouse.

When not writing, blogging, producing, directing or editing, Wayne does his best to not fail miserably as a husband and father to his wife and two kids.

Where Writers Write: B J Hollars

Welcome to another installment of TNBBC's Where Writers Write!

Where Writers Write is a weekly series that will feature a different author every Wednesday as they showcase their writing spaces using short form essay, photos, and/or video. As a lover of books and all of the hard work that goes into creating them, I thought it would be fun to see where the authors roll up their sleeves and make the magic happen. 

This is B J Hollars. 

He is the author of Thirteen Loops: Race, Violence and the Last Lynching in America—the winner of the 2012 Society of Midland Authors Award—and Opening the Doors: The Desegregation of the University of Alabama and the Fight for Civil Rights in Tuscaloosa, as well as collection of stories, Sightings.  He teaches at the University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire.

Where B J Hollars Writes

This is where I used to write, back before I took Truman Capote’s lead and took to the bed, instead.  I imagine Capote being a lot better at it—rarely spilling coffee on his crotch or getting his legs tangled up in the sheets.  Me, I’m not so good at it, at least not yet. 

But after my son was born, writing in bed became a necessity.  It was a means of survival, mainly because it was the quietest place in the house.  For the first year of my son’s life, I used headband style earmuffs to block out the noise, which meant that while the rest of the world bobbed heads with Dr. Dre’s Beats pressed to their ears, I always looked like I was on my way to the firing range.  In truth, I might’ve had better luck writing there.  Still, the earmuffs worked for a while, at least until my son’s high-pitched wails hit the frequency that allowed him to penetrate the technology that kept deer hunters from going deaf.  Rest assured, while wearing those earmuffs, you can fire off a 12-gauge shotgun a foot from your head and be fine; just don’t stand too close to a four-month old.

And this is where I reallyused to write, back when I was in grad school.  Note the same desk, the same lamp, even the same brick.  The computer has changed, of course, as have the knickknacks.  While the old writing space was littered with a radio, a notebook, an index cardholder, and a framed postcard, all of those things are gone now.  They’ve been replaced with what you see in the first photo: a mug full of pens, a couple of books, and a Joe Namath bobble head.  But just to the left of Namath you’ll see a new knickknack: a framed photograph of my son and me lying on the living room floor.  The photo (complete with finger-painted border) was a gift I’d received for my first Father’s Day in 2012.  It reveals a young boy who used to be me with an arm around an even younger boy that used to be him.  But we are not those people now.  Back then, he was just some four-month old with a banshee scream who could pop the earmuffs from your head.  And I was just some punk dumb enough to think there was actually a need for those earmuffs.

We’re both a year older now, and I, a little wiser.  Or at least wise enough to know that the earmuffs were a mistake.  I should’ve known better than to try to write through his first months, back when those banshee screams were still music to my ears.  I wish someone would’ve told me that the work would wait, but the diaper wouldn’t, that words wouldn’t abandon me just because I pushed a swing. 

I admit that for a while there I feared fatherhood would be the end of everything.  That it would consume me, kill the writing, reduce life to toy trains and talcum powder.  But that’s not how it turned out.  Fatherhood’s had the opposite effect on my writing, mainly by giving me someone to write for.

A year from now, this desk will still be here, and so will that picture of us on the living room floor.  Probably, Joe Namath will still be there, too, bobbing his head like he’s blaring music from Dr. Dre’s Beats.  My loyal crew of lamp and brick will remain as well, though the knickknacks won’t save this desk from its fate.  Within a few months time, this desk is destined to become a finger painting station. And that’ll be fine, too. 

I’ll just take once more to the bed, curl up with my coffee, and then, abruptly spill it all over my crotch.  

Eat Like an Author: Caleb J Ross

When most people get bored, they eat. When I get bored, I brainstorm new series and features for the blog, and THEN eat. And not too long ago, as I was brainstorming and contemplating what I wanted to eat, I thought how cool it would be to have a mini-foodie series where authors share the things they like to eat. Photos and recipes and all. And so I asked them, and amazingly they responded, and I dubbed it EAT LIKE AN AUTHOR. 


Last week, Les Plesko shared his current fascination with veggies in a can. 

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Today, Caleb J Ross shares a meal that is perfect for writing without distracting...

Aunt Caleb’s Author Surprise

If I had every day my way I’d start each writing session with a cigar and a Scotch. Though that’s not technically a meal, and it does present a false image of me as a pompous, tweed-elbowed cretin, it does reflect just the sort of simple, limited collection of imbibables I desire.

The truth is I don’t generally eat when I am writing. All the chewing, hand wiping, mouthfeel sensations, it all distracts. I am very easily distracted. In fact, I’ve already vacuumed my office twice and snipped eight nose hairs since starting this paragraph. And now I’m wondering, if I could let eight nose hairs go undetected for who-knows-how-long, how many more might there be?

Nutritional value aside, fuel is fuel, whether for the body or the mind. Below is my secret family recipe for a dish so good even Paula Deen would…I don’t know…something about racism.

Aunt Caleb’s Author Surprise

1 Cigar (Kuba Maduro, Drew Estate)

1 cigar punch

1 Highball cup, glass

2-3 ice cubes, small

2oz Scotch (Caol Ila or Laphroaig)

Method

1.       Add ice cubes to highball.

2.       Pour Scotch over ice.

3.       Drink vigorously for 25-35 minutes.

4.       Next, turn your attention to the cigar. Use cigar punch to remove pencil-sized plug from end of cigar. Important: do not use a cigar cutter. The large ring gauge of the Kuba Maduro complicates the wrapper integrity and may result in leafy residue on the lips and teeth.

5.       Light end of cigar with whatever the hell flame you have handy. Some chefs will insist on matches or butane torches only. Those chefs are weirdoes.

6.       Write masterpiece.

Serves one.

Aunt Caleb’s Author Surprise is not only a writer’s meal. Readers can enjoy as well. Perhaps while reading Caleb’s eugenics and homing pigeon novel, Stranger Will. Don’t forget dessert: drink another glass of Scotch and read Caleb’s The Metamorphosis-meets-a-home-appliance-factory-line novella, As a Machine and Parts.

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Caleb J Ross's fiction and nonfiction has appeared widely, both online and in print. He is the author ofCharactered Pieces: stories, Stranger Will: a novel, I Didn’t Mean to Be Kevin: a novel, Murmurs: Gathered Stories Vol. One, and As a Machine and Parts. He is an editor at Outsider Writers Collective and moderates The Velvet Podcast, which gathers writers for round table discussions on literature. 

The Audio Series: Nancy Spiller

Our audio series "The Authors Read. We Listen." is an incredibly special one for us. Hatched in a NYC club during BEA week, this feature requires more work of the author than any of the ones that have come before. And that makes it all the more sweeter when you see, or rather, hear them read excerpts from their own novels, in their own voices, the way their stories were meant to be heard.


This week, Nancy Spiller reads an excerpt from her memoir Compromise Cake: Lessons Learned from My Mother's Recipe Box (Counterpoint/November 2013). It's a thought-provoking holiday read that makes you hungry for your childhood. Nancy is a writer and artist living in Los Angeles. A fourth generation Californian and native of the San Francisco Bay Area, she was a staff writer at the San Jose Mercury News and Los Angeles Herald Examiner and editor at the Los Angeles Times Syndicate. Her articles and essays have appeared in numerous publications, including the Los Angeles Times, Salon.com, Cooking Light, and Town & Country. She is the also the author of the novel, Entertaining Disasters: A Novel (With Recipes), and teaches in the UCLA Extension Writers' Program.

Click the soundcloud bar below to experience Compromise Cake: Lessons learned from my mother's recipe box, as read by author Nancy Spiller:




The word on Compromise Cake: Lessons learned from my mother's recipes box:

When Nancy Spiller discovered her late mother’s teaching credential buried in the midst of a long abandoned recipe box, she felt compelled to investigate the lingering mysteries of this troubled woman. Marguerite Lenore Soult had taught for only one year before marrying, having four children and a life surrendered to mental illness, divorce and social withdrawal. Spiller realized that she had probably been her mother’s best and only student in the kitchen they had shared.

Compromise Cake explores Spiller’s life in the suburbs of Northern California in the 1960s, learning to cook by her challenging mother’s side, as remembered through the recipe box’s mid-century and heirloom offerings. It touches on lineage, and industrial changes; it is a meditation on men, women, marriage, community and the nature of compromise.

What emerges is a portrait of a woman whose own desires for a career were tragically stifled by the conventional pressures to be a wife and mother, but found expression through her daughter, an author, artist and teacher. This is a memoir that weds Spiller’s story to the universal of all mothers and daughters, and what, as they say, is baked into the cake.
*lifted from goodreads, with love.

Shorties: Short Reviews of Short Story Collections

If there is one thing I've discovered about myself in 2013, it's that I totally sucked at writing reviews. Sure, I also sucked at reading, clocking in at the lowest book count I've had since I started tracking back in 2009, when I birthed this blog. But I only reviewed about half of what books I did lay my eyes on. Ew.

In an attempt to walk into 2014 with a clear review-conscious, I plan on dropping a few posts like this one - short review recaps of all the books that for whatever reason - too busy, too lost for words, too de-movitated - I should've reviewed and just didn't.

Today, I'm introducing you to a slew of shorties (read: short stories) that I've devoured over the past few months. Without meaning to, I believe I read more short story collections this year than in any previous one. Not that I'm complaining; I find short story collections, especially those that are linked or themed, quite refreshing. And the ones you'll find here are no exception.

Have you read these? In a mad rush of 4 star reviews, I bring some of the best of what I've read in the second half of the year:

I Am by Ben Tanzer
Read 7/11/13 - 7/12/13
4 Stars - Strongly Recommended, 'specially to those who dig on pop culture icons (and not-so-icons)
99 pages (Ebook)

Ben Tanzer takes on celebrity has-beens, almost-weres, and still-ares in this saucy collection of stories told from each individual perspective. Some stories connected with me immediately - Vanilla Ice, Richard Simmons, Corey Feldman, Darth Vadar - while others floated out in over-my-head land because I simply lacked the name recognition. That didn't lessen the impact of the collection, though. Tanzer brilliantly birthed each persona, forced their words up off the page, and made each one come alive much like a puppeteer brings life to his marionettes.

A quick, enticing collection, clocking in at just under 100 pages, that demonstrates a brand new side of Ben.

This Time, While We're Awake by Heather Fowler
Read 8/8/13 - 8/22/13
4 Stars - Strongly Recommended, 'specially to those who like a little WTF fiction
328 Pages (Ebook)

Heather Fowler has taken literature to places I hadn't known it could go. A practice baby for expecting parents, that looks and acts just like your own baby would (so creepy); drugged breeders who are awakened for one day of copulation and impregnation, then put back to sleep while the baby gestates (so freaky); a town that allows an alien species to harvest one of them per visit in return for their continued protection against the assumed horrors that exist on the other side of the walls that seal them off from the rest of the world (so scary).

A wickedly dark and haunting collection that shows its readers an alternative look at the future of humanity; a deep, devastating spiral into strange and frightening circumstances.

Why God Why by Matt Rowan
Read 9/11/13 - 9/18/13
4 Stars - Strongly Recommended, 'specially to fans of little bizarro bites
155 Pages (Ebook)

To crack open this collection is to read about the dangers of falling in love with a hat, happy pills for screaming children, and cooling your jets in coldsville. It'll also have you reading about cutting off a lb of your own flesh, baking a cake clone, and behaving as a bat …

To crack open this collection is to drown your brain in fantastical, bizarro-fictional worlds that will have you wishing you could crawl inside them and hang around with them for a bit longer, because they live and die in the blink of an eye. 

To crack open this collection is to bang your fists against your head asking yourself WHY GOD WHY haven’t I picked up this collection sooner!

Jimmy Lagowski Saves the World by Pat Pujolas
Read 10/5/13 - 10/8/13
4 Stars - Strongly Recommended, 'specially to fans of interconnected stories
198 Pages 

What initially appear as fun, and sometimes quite odd, unconnected short stories soon begin to cross paths with each other and weave themselves into an even more fun, and incredibly more odd, novel-in-stories.

You can tell Pat had a lot of fun building this world in which a horribly burned and suicidal young man finds himself saved by jury duty, of all things, and very possibly possessed by an alien entity which resides millions of miles away from Earth. Kickstarted by a seemingly random act of violence, we are thrown, time and time again, into and out of the townspeople's lives, sneaking a peek here and there, as Pat sees fit, until the individual stories comes crashing together in an ending that will make you thank your lucky stars you hung in for the long haul.

Zombie Sharks with Metal Teeth by Stephen Graham Jones
Read 10/11/13 - 10/30/13
4 Stars - Strongly Recommended to fans of the bizarro, because here there be loads of it
161 Pages (Ebook)

If ever a title both caught my attention and caused me confusion, this is it! I've never read anything by Jones previously, and I certainly plan to rectify that in the very near future. The writing, people. The writing is phenomenal in this incredibly fucked up kind of way.

Dude's got a great way of working out the bizarre to make it seem just normal enough... and oh my GAWD the opening story with the dad and his son. It pulled every fucking heart string I had and I wasn't sure I could continue reading the rest of the stories if there was a chance that they were going to be even remotely similar but the curiosity was killing me so I threw myself headfirst into it all.

Jones is like a mad scientist, rolling up his sleeves to play elbow-deep with his creations before strangling them quietly to death and burying them deep in the ground where they'll dissolve into dry and brittle bones with our memories of them buried right there, alongside.

Caleb J Ross's Would You Rather

Bored with the same old fashioned author interviews you see all around the blogosphere? Well, TNBBC's newest series is a fun, new, literary spin on the ole Would You Rather game. Get to know the authors we love to read in ways no other interviewer has. I've asked them to pick sides against the same 20 odd bookish scenarios. And just to spice it up a bit, each author gets to ask their own Would You Rather question to the author who appears after them....

Caleb J Ross's

Would You Rather

1.      Would you rather write an entire book with your feet or with your tongue?

I’ve got freakishly long toes, so for the sake probability and completion, I’ll say feet. However, the concept of a tongue-written book intrigues me, in a literal reflection of the metaphorical kind of way. Writing in tongues (re: thoughts to words) becomes literally writing in tongues. Plus, it would be nice to incorporate another sense into the writing process. We rely so much on touch.

2.      Would you rather have one giant bestseller or a long string of moderate sellers?

Probably the long string of moderate sellers. That way I never feel like I’m trying to regain something, trying to fit into an expectation.

I suppose my choice could be determined by whether or not I knew ahead of time that I was only going to have one giant bestseller vs. a string of moderate sellers. Could I choose the bestseller? Would it be possible then for me to consciously create a The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs situation, forcing the world to love my most depraved work? If so, definitely the one giant bestseller. It would be about a flatus monster trying to find its way back to the anus. Kind of like Wizard of Oz if Toto was a dingle berry.

3.      Would you rather be a well known author now or be considered a literary genius after you’re dead?

Definitely well know now. Once I’m dead, I’m dead. It’s the same logic that I use when telling my family that I just want to be cremated and thrown in the trash when I die. I don’t care how beautiful my gravestone is. Put that money toward something better.

4.      Would you rather write a book without using conjunctions or have every sentence of your book begin with one?

Without conjunctions. It would still be possible to create a compelling narrative without them. Think of it this way: there are only a handful of conjunctions, but there are infinite ways to not use them.

However, this is just the kind of experimental goal I set for myself when I write, so writing an entire book in which every sentence started with a conjunction could be fun. How I write now, I often set a goal to create a good story based off a terrible premise. For example, in my newest novella, As a Machine and Parts (just recently re-released) the premise involves a man who slowly and inexplicably turns into a machine. That’s a stupid concept. But if I’m a good writer, I should be able to make the narrative compelling enough that the reader forgets how stupid the concept is. Other examples: a man who collects human lips. A woman who tries to get her mentally challenged son kidnapped. By the end of a Caleb J. Ross story I want the reader to have been so invested in the characters that he/she forgets all the stupid stuff surrounding the characters.

So, maybe writing a compelling all-conjunction book is a good test. And a masochistic treat. But without the physical pain. Or perhaps with lots of it.

5.      Would you rather have every word of your favorite novel tattooed on your skin or always playing as an audio in the background for the rest of your life?

The tattoo option. Because the audio option is ever-present, it would basically be an aural tattoo of sorts, meaning just as permanent, except I wouldn’t be able to cover it up with clothes. Also, if nobody else could hear the audio, I’d probably eventually get committed to a padded room. On the plus side, I’d have my favorite audio book with me.

All of this really depends on whether or not Bobcat Goldthwait is the audiobook narrator, with secondary characters voiced by Gilbert Gottfried. If so, then obviously I’m going with the audio version.

6.      Would you rather write a book you truly believe in and have no one read it or write a crappy book that compromises everything you believe in and have it become an overnight success?

The problem with having a successful anything that you don’t truly believe in is that from that point forward you’ll dread having to deliver the same kind of content. That would be its own kind of hell in a way. Let me write crap, I say!

7.      Would you rather write a plot twist you hated or write a character you hated?

I can deal with a shitty plot twist; that happens only once. But enduring an entire novel full of crappy characters, even one with an amazing plot twist, would be awful. Not just for the readers, but for me as well.

8.      Would you rather use your skin as paper or your blood as ink?

Oh, can I choose both? There’s an artist, Vincent Castiglia, who uses his blog in his paintings, so that option seems acceptable enough. The skin paper thing seems pretty close to traditional tattooing. Put them together and, well, the blood just goes back into the body and dissipates. Kinda anti-climactic, now that I fully explore that thought. Sorry to have wasted your time.

9.      Would you rather become a character in your novel or have your characters escape the page and reenact the novel in real life?

As long as I didn’t have to be a part of the real-life reenactment, I’d choose to let the characters escape. I have some crazy stuff going on in my novels.

10.  Would you rather write without using punctuation and capitalization or without using words that contained the letter E?

Definitely without punctuation and capitalization. Back at the dawn of the English language, punctuation, capitalization, even spelling and grammar were largely un-regimented. So, knowing it was possible to get the message across back then, I’m sure it would be possible now. Writing without the letter E would be much more difficult. One of my favorite novels ever, Ella Minnow Peaby Mark Dunn, explores this idea, though I think in that novel Dunn chooses to first get rid of easier, non-vowels before he touches on the letter E.

11.  Would you rather have schools teach your book or ban your book?

Either way is great for the wallet. Taking that out of the equation, I’d go with having schools teach my book. Any book can get banned, but not any book can be taught. Plus, it’s an honor to have a book be taught (re: validated) by a college. All having a book banned really means is that you’ve struck a nerve with a small, although loud, sub-cultur. Having a book banned would come with its type of validation, though, I suppose.

12.  Would you rather be forced to listen to Ayn Rand bloviate for an hour or be hit on by an angry Dylan Thomas?

Getting hit on my Dylan Thomas would be quicker, so I’ll go that route.

13.  Would you rather be reduced to speaking only in haiku or be capable of only writing in haiku?

Speaking. I communicate so much more via writing, whether via email, fiction, blog posts, shopping lists, and on and on. I could probably get away with not having to speak (I think it’s funny that rather than entertain the idea of speaking in haiku, I instead decide that not speaking at all is a better choice…I think that speaks more to my laziness than to my hatred of haiku).

14.  Would you rather be stuck on an island with only the 50 Shades Series or a series in a language you couldn’t read?

Ethically speaking, I wouldn’t be able to read the 50 Shades series so honestly it probably doesn’t matter which one I choose. So I’ll go with whichever has more pages. I’ll need them to start a fire.

15.  Would you rather critics rip your book apart publically or never talk about it at all?

Publically. The general public (who make up the majority of book readers) don’t pay attention to critics anyway. Remember, no critic ever praised 50 Shades of Gray or Twilight. Then again, I wouldn’t want to have written either of those series.

16.  Would you rather have everything you think automatically appear on your Twitter feed or have a voice in your head narrate your every move?

As long as that voice in my head sounds like Tom Waits I’d definitely go for the voice in my head.

17.  Would you rather give up your computer or pens and paper?

I could never turn my back on ol’ Compy. If the choice had to be made I’d unfortunately have to give a big FU to paper. Sorry Dunder Mifflin.

18.  Would you rather write an entire novel standing on your tippy-toes or laying down flat on your back?

If I was on my back, the novel would take much, much longer. I have this weird issue where if I lay down I’ll generally fall asleep within 10 minutes (I think this “weird issue” I have is medically referred to as “being a lazy, unhealthy slob”). That being said, I’d still go for laying on my back, as long as I was allowed to build a rig first that would allow me to write while on my back. Something with cranes and pulleys would be nice.

19.  Would you rather read naked in front of a packed room or have no one show up to your reading?

For the sake of anyone who would be in attendance I would most definitely rather have no one show up. I’ve had readings at which only 5 or so people showed up, so having nobody show up really isn’t that much of a stretch.

20.  Would you rather read a book that is written poorly but has an excellent story, or read one with weak content but is written well?

I’ve read plenty of books that fall into both categories. Given a choice, I’d go for the one that is written well. I can be enamored with great language for much longer than I can be hooked on a strong plot lacking that great language.

And here's Caleb's response to A Lee Martinez's question:

Would you rather be able to write one (and only one) page of fiction a day (that could be part of a larger book eventually or just short stories or whatever) or only be able to write for one week a year?  In both cases, everything you write would be amazing.

Probably a full page of fiction every day, because that’s actually quite a bit more than my current non-Would-You-Rather scenario output. Most days I manage a couple hundred words. Writing a full page every day would actually be quite nice.

But the heart of the question, consistency vs. a single burst, the single burst would be nice. I’d like to be able to get my pages out and then have the rest of the time for marketing.

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Check back next week to see how Wayne Franklin answer's Caleb's question:

 Would you rather get drunk in a dive bar with J.K Rowling or attend a church service with Chuck Palahniuk?

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Caleb J Ross's fiction and nonfiction has appeared widely, both online and in print. He is the author ofCharactered Pieces: stories, Stranger Will: a novel, I Didn’t Mean to Be Kevin: a novel, Murmurs: Gathered Stories Vol. One, and As a Machine and Parts. He is an editor at Outsider Writers Collective and moderates The Velvet Podcast, which gathers writers for round table discussions on literature. 

Eat Like an Author: Les Plesko

When most people get bored, they eat. When I get bored, I brainstorm new series and features for the blog, and THEN eat. And not too long ago, as I was brainstorming and contemplating what I wanted to eat, I thought how cool it would be to have a mini-foodie series where authors share the things they like to eat. Photos and recipes and all. And so I asked them, and amazingly they responded, and I dubbed it EAT LIKE AN AUTHOR. 


Last week, Molly Gaudry shared her 6-meals-a-day. 

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Today, Les Plesko talks about his love of canned veggies:

I like veggies straight from the can, served deliciously at room temperature or chilled by the fridge. These are Del Monte Mixed Vegetables + Del Monte Fresh Sliced Carrots. I also like the little potatoes in a can and sliced beets, though the liquor store usually doesn't have the latter. Perfect for someone who's too distracted to cook or even boil something and can't be bothered with cleaning up after. Actually, it's a big change from former nightly meals, which have been: bologna from the pack dipped in mustard or my desperation favorite: ketchup sandwiches! Usually I eat the same thing every night for forever until I can never stand to see or taste it again, so I suspect this particular meal will run its course eventually.

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Les Plesko is the author of the novels The Last Bongo Sunset, Slow Lie Detector, and Who I Was. He teaches writing at UCLA Extension.

Indie Spotlight: Diane Mayer Christiansen

Every writer believes that they are in the process of penning the next best book. One that every publisher will jump over backwards for. One that they anticipate will land them on best seller lists everywhere.

Which is why, when the first few rejection letters start showing up, they think there must be some kind of mistake. The other publishers wouldn't pass the manuscript up, right?

It's a tough pill to swallow when the one thing you've spent countless hours pouring your heart and soul into receives a generic letter of rejection from publisher after publisher after.. well you catch my drift.

Diane Mayer Christiansen, author of the Snub Club, shares a few words of wisdom on just this very topic:

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When I began writing, I’ll admit, I was pretty innocent.  I thought, six months in to get the manuscript out, another month for rewrites and then I’d be ready to submit.  I was sure that when the first batch of thick, brown envelopes went into the mail box that it wouldn’t be long until I was getting all of those SASEs back with requests to read more.  The weeks passed, the months passed and I waited. 

I got the SASEs back but each with their own version of a mass produced rejection card, telling me that reviewing a manuscript is subjective and not to take it personally.  That was ten years ago and there have been many, many, manuscripts since. Yep, every writer’s been there.

So, here’s the trick.  You have to keep writing.  I know this may sound strange, but the game of getting published is all about the survival of the fittest.  Who will endure over time, who will continue to hone in on their craft?  For me, the game was easy to play.  I write about things that matter so much to me that I cannot stop.  I have a journey to share that involves my struggle with dyslexia, my son’s celebration of Autism Spectrum Disorder, and with this journey, a fire to help the world understand.  Every time I see my son’s face, I am inspired to continue. 

So, now when an aspiring author asks me for advice I tell them this.  Survive the barrage of rejection that is sure to happen.  Get a thick skin and believe in your work.  Write about what drives you on a daily basis and never give up.  Write because you love it, because you can’t stop.

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Diane Mayer Christiansen graduated with a Biology degree despite her struggles with dyslexia. She worked at both the University of Chicago and Northwestern University doing genetic research. Christiansen is now a published author writing young adult fantasy and middle school chapter books including SNUB Club.  Her characters are based around children with special needs such as dyslexia and Autism Spectrum Disorder. She speaks to parents and teachers about learning to celebrate those things that make our children different and her journey with her son and his ASD.

www.jackiejournal.com