JA Tyler's Would You Rather

Bored with the same old fashioned author interviews you see all around the blogosphere? Well, TNBBC's newest series is a fun, new, literary spin on the ole Would You Rather game. Get to know the authors we love to read in ways no other interviewer has. I've asked them to pick sides against the same 20 odd bookish scenarios. And just to spice it up a bit, each author gets to ask their own Would You Rather question to the author who appears after them....

JA Tyler's

Would You Rather

Would you rather write an entire book with your feet or with your tongue?

Feet, definitely. Mostly because I drink coffee while I write, so my tongue isn’t available. Also, I’m a bit of a germaphobe, so touching my tongue to the keyboard is a sickening proposition.

Would you rather have one giant bestseller or a long string of moderate sellers?

One giant bestseller, assuming it would buy me a house. That’d be pretty sweet. Plus, I’m always going to write, regardless of success, so might as well go big at least once, right?

Would you rather be a well known author now or be considered a literary genius after you’re dead?

Well known now, please. What good is anything after death? I don’t have faith in that.

Would you rather write a book without using conjunctions or have every sentence of your book begin with one?

I’d go without. Having to start every sentence with a conjunction sounds like a constraint that might give me bouts of depression and/or diarrhea.

Would you rather have every word of your favorite novel tattooed on your skin or always playing as an audio in the background for the rest of your life?

Word tattoos rule. Plus, have your heard audio books? Most sound like they are recorded by a gin-soaked community theater reject eager to exonerate his own voice. No thanks.

Would you rather write a book you truly believe in and have no one read it or write a crappy book that compromises everything you believe in and have it become an overnight success?

Jokingly, compromise everything. Seriously, belief in what you write is ten thousand times more important than readership or success.

Would you rather write a plot twist you hated or write a character you hated?

You can kill a character you hate.

Would you rather use your skin as paper or your blood as ink?

Blood. It would look startling, stark, and it isn’t covered in hair and freckles and the rest. Look really closely at someone’s skin sometime. Super gross for the most part.

Would you rather become a character in your novel or have your characters escape the page and reenact the novel in real life?

I’m already a character in a novel I’ve written. More than one probably. And several of my characters in every novel are based on real life, having already enacted way more than the horrors I put them through. Shit. Did I answer that one?

Would you rather write without using punctuation and capitalization or without using words that contained the letter E?

I want to write a novel called “Sleepless Esteemed Freewheeler” so, you know.

Would you rather have schools teach your book or ban your book?

Teach, I think, though I’d bet banning actually sells more copies.

Would you rather be forced to listen to Ayn Rand bloviate for an hour or be hit on by an angry Dylan Thomas?

Wow, both of those sound great. I like the word “bloviate” though, so I’ll take that.

Would you rather be reduced to speaking only in haiku or be capable of only writing in haiku?

Umm, I don’t talk a whole lot, except to my wife and in my classrooms, and both of those instances would probably appreciate some haiku-speak truncating my thoughts.

Would you rather be stuck on an island with only the 50 Shades Series or only a series written in a language you can't read?

50 Shades. Not sure why. Maybe the domination aspect? Again, not sure why.

Would you rather critics rip your book apart publicly or never talk about it at all?

Jimmy James, the director of WYNX, said there is no such thing as “bad publicity.”

Would you rather have everything you think automatically appear on your Twitter feed or have a voice in your head narrate your every move?

That would make for a pretty righteous Twitter feed. And, a narration of every move I make would highlight my OCD in a terrible way. My head would explode.

Would you rather give up your computer or pens and paper?

I could give up my computer in an instant. Pens are beautiful.

Would you rather write an entire novel standing on your tippy-toes or laying down flat on your back?

Tippy-toes. Have you ever tried to get good pressure on the page when you are holding it up in the air with your other hand? What a cluster that is.

Would you rather read naked in front of a packed room or have no one show up to your reading?

If no one showed up, I’d gladly read naked.

Would you rather read a book that is written poorly but has an excellent story, or read one with weak content but is written well? 

I suppose excellent story / poor writing would hold my attention longer. I mean, I’ve ready Darkly Dreaming Dexter, and the story held that sucker together fairly well.

And here is JA's response to MP Johnson's question from last week:

Would you rather write a 20 page essay about your bowling ability or a weekly column about your bowel's abilities?

My bowels are an active plot, and my bowling average blows, so I'd go the butt instead of the balls route. 

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Check back next week to see how Nick Antosca answer's JA Tyler's question:

 Would you rather have rampant misspellings in your obituary or

 a negative New York Times review of your book?

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J. A. Tyler is the author of the poetry collection Variations of a Brother War, the collaborative art / text experiment No One Told Me I Was Going to Disappear, co-authored with John Dermot Woods, and Colony Collapse, a poetic psalm. His novel The Zoo, a Going is forthcoming from Dzanc Books. He teaches theater and film in Colorado.

Eat Like an Author: Matt Salesses

When most people get bored, they eat. When I get bored, I brainstorm new series and features for the blog, and THEN eat. And not too long ago, as I was brainstorming and contemplating what I wanted to eat, I thought how cool it would be to have a mini-foodie series where authors share the things they like to eat. Photos and recipes and all. And so I asked them, and amazingly they responded, and I dubbed it EAT LIKE AN AUTHOR. 


Last week, Courtney Elizabeth Mauk shared her secret ingredient vegan cookie recipe. 

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This week, Matt Salesses shares how he eats abroad:

Eating abroad: 2 stories

1. I spent an entire year in Prague basically eating pasta, soup with pasta, fish sticks, bread and cheese, and peanut butter and jelly. When I wrote a novel set in Prague for my MFA thesis, I put the contents of my fridge into the book, and my adviser said at one point that it was one of the only times she remembered how young the protagonist was supposed to be. 

2. I spent my first two weeks in Korea living in a love motel and eating frosted flakes from the box and washing them down with milk from the bottle. I'd been scared by a lonely planet guidebook that mentioned something, euphemistically, about diarrhea. I lost 20 pounds. I was rescued from myself by my future wife.

Other Things Eaten Abroad

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Matthew Salesses is the author of I'm Not Saying, I'm Just Saying and The Last Repatriate. He has written for The Good Men Project, The New York Times Motherlode blog, NPR Code Switch, Glimmer Train, The Rumpus, Hyphen, and others.

Where Writers Write: Pete Anderson

Welcome to another installment of TNBBC's Where Writers Write!

Where Writers Write is a weekly series that will feature a different author every Wednesday as they showcase their writing spaces using short form essay, photos, and/or video. As a lover of books and all of the hard work that goes into creating them, I thought it would be fun to see where the authors roll up their sleeves and make the magic happen. 

This is Pete Anderson. 

Peter's debut novella, Wheatyard, was published this year by Kuboa Press. His short stories have appeared in many fine venues, including Storyglossia, THE2NDHAND, RAGAD, Midwestern Gothic and the collections Daddy Cool: An Anthology of Writing by Fathers For & About Kids (Artistically Declined Press, 2013) and On the Clock: Contemporary Short Stories of Work (Bottom Dog Press, 2010). A financial professional by trade, he writes fiction to ease the crushing monotony of corporate life. He lives and writes in Joliet, Illinois.

Where Pete Anderson Writes

When I write - which isn't nearly often enough - this is where it happens: the nook off our kitchen, which my family calls "the little eating room." I write here on weekend mornings, after I get up at five a.m. to feed the cat. (His tiny feline mind makes no distinction between weekdays and weekends - he's used to eating at five during the week, when I'm up early before heading off for work, so he expects to eat then on weekends too, and is very vocal about it. Even if I'd rather sleep.) So after he's fed and I've had my own breakfast, I brew a pot of tea and settle down to write.

 

The room faces our backyard, and early on it's still pitch-black outside and I can't see much of anything other than maybe the neighbor's garage light or the overhead light down the alley. This limited view is probably good for me, since it limits any potential distractions as I'm trying to ease back into my narrative. Later, by the time the sun comes up and the yard becomes visible, I'm fairly well immersed in the writing and will only take an occasional glance around while pausing to think something through. By this time of year, in November, most of the vegetation is gone and the yard is all muted browns and grays, and thus even less of a distraction than during the summer. By the time my family wakes up, at seven or eight, I've done enough writing and can get on with the rest of my day. 

 

Since this room is where we often eat dinner and isn't dedicated solely to my writing, there's no writer-clutter as I only bring in the bare essentials shown in the photo: composition book; writing pen (a lovely handcarved wooden tool that my wife gave me as a birthday present early in our relationship, before we were even married); a Field Notes pad in which I've jotted down ideas during the previous week; a journal in which I record my thoughts on how the writing is going, along with observations on what I'm currently reading and its relevance to my writing; the pot of warming chai tea and coffee mug from community radio station WEFT in Champaign, Illinois ("1985 Power Increase Marathon"); and my old-school iPod nano. For writing I prefer music on the iPod instead of my iPhone, since the iPod is completely offline; although my iPhone is otherwise my nearly constant companion, I intentionally leave it in the kitchen during my writing sessions so I won't have the temptation of the Internet. And if you're wondering about the TV at the end of the table: yes, my family watches TV during dinner, but no, I leave it off while writing. I have enough trouble being a productive writer as it is, even without the Internet or cable TV. When the writing is done for the day, I pack up everything and clear out. 

 

Although this room has done well for my writing needs, we do have a spare bedroom upstairs, a corner of which might someday become my study. I already have a desk and filing cabinet there, but for years I've been trying to find one of those classic old wooden desk chairs with the curved top, spindled back and swiveling iron base, the kind you might see pulled up to a rolltop desk in some old-fashioned office. If I finally find a chair that like in good condition, the bedroom might eventually become my new writing space. However, if I do make the move, as much as I'll enjoy having a writing space all to myself, I'll also miss the simple minimalism of the little eating room.

Indie Ink Runs Deep: Michael LoCurto

Every now and then I manage to talk a small press author into showing us a little skin... tattooed skin, that is. I know there are websites and books out there that have been-there-done-that already, but I hadn't seen one with a specific focus on the authors and publishers of the small press community. Whether it's the influence for their book, influenced by their book, or completely unrelated to the book, we get to hear the story behind their indie ink....


Today's ink comes from Michael LoCurto. Michael is a New Yorker—born in Shirley, MFA’d in Southampton, and currently lives in Brooklyn.  To Sea is his first novel, and Smith Point Press's debut.  He is currently working on his second novel, Significant Lives, due for a 2014 release.  For more information, please visit smithpointpress.com.

40° 48’ 9’’ N , 72° 52’ 17’’ W

My wife’s third tattoo as an artist, and my umpteenth on my person. 

The significance of the coordinates correlates to the location out at sea where things dramatically change for fisherman John Brand in my debut novel, To Sea.  A moment of clarity, so to speak.  Please forgive me for holding back, for I do not wish to say too much, spoiling key-events (please read my novel for a deeper understanding; shameless plug: free e-book available via smithpointpress.com).  Let’s just say the coordinates relate to the spot where John Brand stares out to sea and when he refocuses back on the coast, the Priest whom he was talking to has walked off along the shore, disappearing into the storm, and John Brand realizes he must stop living for himself—stop solely fulfilling his own dreams—but to live for his family—to live for his wife and his son.  To support his family.  To abandon his career as a fisherman and to look elsewhere for work.  John Brand recognizes that his life is more than his own, and that he must step up to the helm and do whatever it takes to provide a supporting income—to work inland, if need be.  To do whatever it may take to keep the family together.

Have I said too much?

A word on the overall tattoo design: the anchor over the wheel symbolizes how John never leaves the land.  He’s anchored to the land—barred from the seafaring life he’s lived all his days.

The tattoo also represents, in real life, in my own life, my absolute favorite spot in all the world.  With my toes shoved deep in the sand and the sun shining brightly and the waves singing.  My little nook in the dunes that Sandy washed away last year.

The Audio Series: Mike Sager

Our audio series "The Authors Read. We Listen." is an incredibly special one for us. Hatched in a NYC club during BEA week, this feature requires more work of the author than any of the ones that have come before. And that makes it all the more sweeter when you see, or rather, hear them read excerpts from their own novels, in their own voices, the way their stories were meant to be heard.


This week, Mike Sager reads an excerpt from his new novel High Tolerance. Mike is a bestselling author and award-winning reporter. He’s been called “the Beat Poet of American journalism.” For more than fifteen years he has worked as a Writer-at-Large for Esquire magazine. In 2010 he won the American Society of Magazine Editors National Magazine award for profile writing. He is also the Editor and Publisher of The Sager Group, a consortium of multi-media artists and writers with the intent of empowering those who make art without gatekeepers. For more info, please visit: www.mikesager.com or www.TheSagerGroup.net.

Click here to experience an excerpt from High Tolerance as read by Mike Sager:

The word on High Tolerance: 

In this artful page-turner, a beloved superstarlet, a controversial billionaire Hip Hop mogul, and a television writer/producer idled by a demoralizing strike are linked together improbably by murder, domestic heartbreak, a sex video . . . and their inclusion on a secret subscription list for an exclusive designer strain of medical marijuana. Over a span of three seemingly ordinary days and nights in Los Angeles, the world wobbles on its digital axis, and futures are forever changed.

Hollywood, January 2008. The Writers Guild of America is on strike. An increasingly peevish viewing audience is relegated to a starvation diet of reruns and old movies. What happens when a series of shocking, deadly, and prurient events boils over into a perfect storm of serendipitous, round-the-clock programming? And what becomes of the major players, whose lives are inalterably masticated by the public’s right to know?

High Tolerance is the second novel by the award-winning Rolling Stone and Esquire journalist Mike Sager, whose work has inspired a number of films, including the classic Boogie Nights. He summons his considerable descriptive and narrative powers—and three decades behind the scenes covering celebrities, gangs, drugs, and crime—to weave together a raw and insightful tale of complicated lives in the shifting racial landscape of turn-of-the-century Los Angeles, the dream factory from which the American Zeitgeist is exported around the globe.
*lifted with love from goodreads

He Says/She Says: The Geek's Guide to Dating (Part 5 - the Finale)

Read 11/4/13 -11/12/13

5 Stars - Highly Recommended / The Next Best Book

Pages: 208

Publisher: Quirk Books

Released: Now

Reviewed by both TNBBC and Drew Broussard

When Lori and Drew both ended up with copies of The Geek’s Guide to Dating, a brilliantly insane idea struck.  While they both love books and are self-professed geeks, their lives are otherwise almost diametrically opposed:  Boy vs girl – check. Young twenty-something vs late thirty-something – check. Recently single vs long time couple – check. No kids vs kids – check.  

And so a read-along was proposed, with a running email conversation, as they delved into one man’s guide to love in the time of geek.

If you haven't yet, check out Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, and Part 4 first! 

For the read-a-long review finale, Chapters 6 & 7 – beyond Thunderdome into serious dating, the means of connection these days, and some serious emotional reflection on what it takes to fall in / stay in / fall out of love…

TNBBC: So have you started Thunderdome yet? The first thing that chapter did to me was send me running right back down memory lane. Does anyone have those super long, late night, all night phone calls when you’re first starting to get to know someone anymore? Has social media and cell phone texting replaced that? I used to LOVE being on the phone with a new boyfriend all night long, chatting away over crazy and ridiculous things and then looking up at the clock and being like, holy shit, is it really 4am? Where the hell did the time go? And then hanging up and realizing that your ear is sore as fuck from holding the phone up to it for all those hours. I would hate to think that those phone calls are a thing of the past for all current and future daters.

 And of course, old married hag status or not, I totally related to the whole Code Alerts on the morning after. I hate those feelings of anxiety of waiting for a text message or phone call when you kind of expect one and it doesn’t come. Staring at the phone, checking it every 5 minutes to make sure the battery didn’t die or just incase the alert for a new message didn’t go off.  Or putting a text message out there and then trying to kill all those agonizing hours afterwards before it gets returned, if it DOES get returned.

 Eric also touches on casual dating. I’ve never casually dated more than one guy at a time, ever. That seems like a coward’s way of saying “I like playing the field and keeping my options open”. I wouldn’t want to feel like I was a contestant on The Bachelor, and I certainly wouldn’t like knowing he might be out with another chick having a great time if I was into him, you know? I guess I’m just not built for that kind of dating.

 RB: I'm going to reverse address your points for a reason that'll become clear shortly:

The casual dating thing is... so strange.  My senior year of college, it could be argued that I was "casually dating" two girls but I don't think any of us considered it that and there was not actually any direct overlap.  I have friends who juggle several "casual" things until one starts to heat up... and that's just weird to me.  I'm probably, out of my friends, the most interested in getting close to somebody and finding that person but at the same time I don't feel the need to play the field so aggressively in order to make it happen.  I'm not opposed to going on like several first dates or even having a first date in the midst of planning a second date with someone else - but honestly, from about that point (and even before that, really), it just doesn't make sense to me.  Focus, people!

 Funny enough, the texting-and-waiting thing happened to me today.  Not a morning after thing but a friend bailed on seeing a show with me tonight and an old flame had just crossed my radar (full disclosure: it’s a failure to launch sort of thing – bad timing, mixed signals, ended up just staying friends) and so I texted her to see if she'd want to see the show and then it was that ".....has my phone buzzed?  was that my phone?  did I actually press send?  maybe she's in a meeting or a rehearsal or something.  But maybe she's ignoring me" situation.  

It's the worst, that ability to have constant connection and then the need that it engenders in you to be constantly connected.

Which brings me to the final point, the phone calls thing.  You mention running down memory lane - I actually got a little choked up doing exactly the same thing.  In high school, I did that ALL THE TIME.  Even well into college, on vacations and stuff - I love the idea of talking on the phone for hours and asking the questions and learning the things and even though you're falling asleep, not wanting to get off the phone because you're having this moment, even if it's the same moment you've had seven nights out of the last two weeks.  And I used to have to go to school the next morning and all that... or my parents would shout up to my room and be like "oh my god get off the phone and go to bed", in the most traditional 90s sitcom way.  

But yeah, that has absolutely faded.  Most of my friends will tell you that they hate talking on the phone - even with their significant others, etc.  The last few girls I've dated in even the most casual of ways (let alone my recent ex) all said exactly that: they find talking on the phone awkward, uncomfortable, weird, etc..  I've just never found it that way - it's the closest you can get to actually being with the person when you can't be with them.  There's something intimate about cradling the phone (although, ugh, I hate cradling my cellphone, I do - the heat and the probably terrible radio waves and all that) in your ear that just doesn't happen in the same way when you're staring at someone's face on a screen or typing words back and forth.  Constant text messaging doesn't even feel the same way - it's just not the same thing.  And I know that my kids will (barring some apocalypse) never get to understand that (more) analog way of romance... and that my spouse and I probably won't even have that courtship, in the same way that we grew up courting people - but at least we'll understand it.  

 So yeah, that section had me by the heartstrings in a Nicholas Sparks, don't-tell-anyone-I-reacted-like-that kind of way.  

 I also read the chapter just before watching an episode of Elementary (which isn't even a guilty pleasure anymore, it's so good) and there was a great quote from Holmes that got me in the same way: "I often wonder if I should have been born at another time. Ours is an era of distraction. It's a punishing drumbeat of constant input. It follows us into our homes and into our beds. It seeps into our... into our souls, for want of a better word."

TNBBC:The all night phone call thing was one of my favorite parts of meeting someone new. I’m glad you know what I am talking about. I was afraid it died a long time ago!! Hiding down in the basement on the phone so my mom or dad wouldn’t know I was chatting the night away. My oldest (16) never uses the phone to talk. He is all about texting girls instead. It’s kind of sad. Even though he isn’t a geek in any of the senses this book refers to, I’ve already lightly suggested he take a look at this book. I think it might be just what he needs. And I’d love to  see HIS reactions to it! 

I like that Holmes quote. Very interesting and relevant.

Oh, and within C6, that whole section about spending time part, and making solo time for your friends… Making time for friends? Spending time apart? Ha! Once you get serious with someone, get married, have kids, those things fade to the background so quickly and quietly you don’t even know they are gone. Of course, you get ‘couple friends’ that you share, running errands ends up becoming your solo trip out (re: escape), and the kids after-school activities becoming your gaming and reading time. Lordy, I can barely remember what it’s like to have single friends to hang out with!

RB:Aw, I'd love to hear a 16 year old's reactions to this book.  Because I do think that's really Eric's target with this book - not even the twentysomething geeks but the ones who are gonna get to the last chapter and go "marriage?! yuck!" or, well, maybe slightly more mature than that... but then, several years later, they'll be like "hey, that book actually stuck with me and helped me."  

 MAN, the spending time with friends thing is such... I see it with my parents, too.  I've heard the saying, that your circle of friends is never really any larger than it is in your early twenties (which, I leapt towards that downhill slope - although I've always kept a pretty tiny circle anyway) - but I feel like you're so right.  You're naturally going to spend more time with your spouse... and then your kids... and I mean, right there, BAM, there's at least 18 years plus however many years between oldest and youngest.  Maybe in the early days, you're still doing the friends thing - and it's not like you're ignoring them or something... but it's that whole life-priorities thing.  Plus, I feel like a group of friends will tend to marry within the same general period of time if they're all in the same places in their lives, etc.  I just had a friend get married from my class in school (to another friend, from our class) and all of us city-dwellers are just bamboozled by it - but the class above us, they're marrying off like its a race and they all live here in the city. 

TNBBC:Yeah, it’d be neat to see how my oldest reacts to the book, but there’s one small problem, he only likes to read sports books! I wonder if I slip a sports cover dust jacket over the book…? Hmph.

 The marrying off and having babies thing seems to happen in waves around me. The people at work, friend couples of ours, my brother and my husband’s siblings, at certain points in my life it felt like everyone I knew was either marrying or announcing a baby on the way. I used to blame it on the water, ha! To be honest, I like couple friends better. They have the same hectic kind of schedule, like to spend time with their SO’s, so they’re not as needy and complainy when you can’t or don’t make a lot of time for them. I do sneak out every so often, over the course of a year, and hit up a book sale with a fellow blogger buddy of mine, and I’ve had “girls brunch out” dates before too. But they are few and far between and usually get reschedule a gazillion times before we actually match schedules. Let’s face it, the older I get, the more I realize and accept the fact that time like that is a luxury I just don’t have access to any more.

RB: –Alright, so I guess that brings us to the end.   I feel like the whole last chapter (or even the second-half of C6 and the last chapter) felt very considered and, in a way, less geeky?  There were still so many references, of course, and I liked his ideas of how to merge worlds in terms of geekdoms... but C7 felt so much more universal than geek-specific.  And I really loved that - it was a way to say that even if you're not a geek or you're a minor geek and you're reading this just for fun, there's still stuff to be learned here.  You can laugh at the geeky ways he describes things in earlier chapters... but the way he handles the serious stuff is with real tenderness (both the good and the bad serious stuff) and anybody, anybody on that list that the secretary gives Principal Rooney in Ferris Bueller of all the different kids who think Ferris is a cool dude, can find some piece of advice they've maybe never heard before and that helps them out in their next relationship.  

 I mean, I found my heart salved by some of the things he said, specifically because he didn't employ those cliches and reading the things you ought to consider in the breaking-up-process I found myself saying "...yeah, that was the right decision, it was."

 There's just so much heart in this book.  Everything is considered and funny and he genuinely "wants you to succeed" and while that phrase makes me cringe a little, I mean it so honestly.  This book feels like a labor of love and as a result everything about it feels genuine.  And that's awesome, because (and I know it's Eric so it wouldn't've been but in a hypothetical world) this book could have been a joke.  And/or creepy/skeevy.  And it really wasn't that (except the kissy bit.  The more I think about it, the more I think that maybe could've been kept out...) 

TNBBC: C7 was the most hard hitting chapter for me. The 19 year long relationship my hubby and I share (dating 4 years, married 15) wasn’t always an easy one, so from his pointers on co-habitation to recovering from a break-up, to struggling through “do I really want this to be over”.. oh lordy, did I HAVE ALL THE FEELS and then some.

 The co-habitation part, omg, as I read through it, I thought to myself what if you’re like Felixand he’s like Oscar? Can you be ok with your man’s dirty clothes all over the floor, the toilet seat left up with the rim covered in urine drippings? Can your man handle your need to have all the dishes in the skin washed immediately, and your refusal to take out the garbage? What about leaving the bed unmade, replacing the roll of toilet paper, capping the toothpaste, hair left in the drain? I’m a huge believer in living together before you get married because so many relationships fail when two people move in together for all of those reasons and more. My hubby was the piggy one and I was the neat and clean one. 19 years and two kids later, I’ve learned to live in the mess while the hubs learned how to clean up a bit more often. Whoda thunk!

Wrapping this all up with the break-up – shit! I’ve been on both sides. When I’ve broken it off with boyfriends, I’ve always been blunt to the point of bad, but my theory was “off like a bandaid”. I always thought it was best that way. Being on the other side was of a break up was always devastating to me, though. I would immediately go into starvation mode, unable to eat, teary eyed at every little reminder, every stupid picture or tv show that had couples in it, dying to call and text to try to fix things, and sadly, I’ve totally done the whole “friends with benefits” leaving myself available for booty calls as a ploy to lure an ex back in (for shame, I know!). To be honest, all those things Eric says throughout the book about a relationship building character and upping your experience and causing you to look inside yourself for what goes well and what isn’t working… spot the fuck on, brother!

All that being said, I agree that Eric handled every section of this book incredibly well. I felt like I could see the whole evolution from single, unconfident, quirky geek to a well prepared and more worldly, more mature dating animal by the time the book was over. And I could see myself and my past and current relationship mirrored back to me in so many of its pages.

Seeing your reactions to each section, and interacting with you throughout the book was really cool. I mean, looking at what we each brought to this review experiment, this read-a-long could not have been more perfect, don’t you agree?

RB: I totally agree, this couldn't've been more perfect - or more fun.  

Joint Rating of 5!  Huzzah!

Drew Broussard reads, a lot. When not doing that, he's writing stories or playing music or acting or producing or coming up with other ways to make trouble.  He also has a day job at The Public Theater in New York City.

MP Johnson's Would You Rather

Bored with the same old fashioned author interviews you see all around the blogosphere? Well, TNBBC's newest series is a fun, new, literary spin on the ole Would You Rather game. Get to know the authors we love to read in ways no other interviewer has. I've asked them to pick sides against the same 20 odd bookish scenarios. And just to spice it up a bit, each author gets to ask their own Would You Rather question to the author who appears after them....

MP Johnson's 

Would You Rather

Would you rather write an entire book with your feet or with your tongue?

My tongue. I wouldn’t want to have to clean the foot funk off my keyboard every time I finished writing for the day.

Would you rather have one giant bestseller or a long string of moderate sellers?

Like Carlton Mellick III, Cameron Pierce, Kevin L. Donihe and the other bizarro authors who I consider my role models in terms of book sales, my goal is to have a long, long string of books that sell to a small but dedicated group of readers. My plan is to put out one or two books a year to further that goal. My first book, The After-Life Story of Pork Knuckles Malone, is out now. My second book, Dungeons and Drag Queens, is on the way. Books three through six are in various stages of production. I do this because I love it, and I’ll keep writing weird shit regardless of whether anyone buys it, but a nice cult readership would feel good. I have no delusions that books about slime-spewing psychic pigs and sword-wielding drag queens would ever become bestsellers.

Would you rather be a well-known author now or be considered a literary genius after you’re dead?

As much as my rotting corpse would enjoy getting its props, I’m going to have to say I’d rather take my accolades now please.

Would you rather write a book without using conjunctions or have every sentence of your book begin with one?

So I think it would be far less annoying to go without conjunctions. And it would feel more natural than trying to start every sentence with one.

Would you rather have every word of your favorite novel tattooed on your skin or always playing as an audio in the background for the rest of your life?

I’d get Naked Lunch tattooed all over my body. “Did I ever tell you about the man who taught his asshole to talk” would be a rad tramp stamp.

Would you rather write a book you truly believe in and have no one read it or write a crappy book that compromises everything you believe in and have it become an overnight success?

I’ve already written plenty of books and short stories that I truly believe in that nobody has ever read and some of which will probably never be read by anyone except me, so I guess that answers that question. I think I would vomit if I achieved any sort of mainstream success.

Would you rather write a plot twist you hated or write a character you hated?

I write a lot of characters I hate. The main character in my short story “Lake Street,” which appears in the David Lynch tribute anthology In Heaven Everything is Fine, is a pathetic piece of shit. He has a few endearing qualities, but overall he’s not someone I’d want to hang out with. On the other hand, I’d only truly hate a plot twist if it was bad, and there’s little that can be done to salvage a story from a bad plot twist.

Would you rather use your skin as paper or your blood as ink?

I don’t think I’d even be able to fit three short stories on my skin the way I write, especially since I wouldn’t be able to reach my back, and it would be hard to erase and I’d have to shave or wax more often. But I’ve got a lot of blood.

Would you rather become a character in your novel or have your characters escape the page and reenact the novel in real life?

This is a horrible answer because a lot of people would die in very unpleasant, slime-spewing ways, but I think I’d prefer to have the characters from The After-Life Story of Pork Knuckles Malone do their thing in the real world.

Would you rather write without using punctuation and capitalization or without using words that contained the letter E?

i need to keep my E words but punctuation and capitalization are just adornments that I could easily do without

Would you rather have schools teach your book or ban your book?

Ban it! I think kids would be more likely to read it then. I didn’t read most of what I was assigned in school, but when I heard about books that I shouldn’t read, I was all over them.

Would you rather be forced to listen to Ayn Rand bloviate for an hour or be hit on by an angry Dylan Thomas?

Angry Dylan Thomas, in a bowtie, cigarette hanging limp from his lips, could hit on me all night long, and I would probably reject his advances, but they would be more enjoyable than that angry lady’s bloviating.

Would you rather be reduced to speaking only in haiku or be capable of only writing in haiku?

Writing in haiku

Is to me far pref’rable

To speaking in it

Would you rather be stuck on an island with only the 50 Shades Series or only the Harry Potter series?

I’m sure either would be just as effective for burning to keep me warm at night while I use a stick to scribble my own stories into the beach.

Would you rather critics rip your book apart publically or never talk about it at all?

I love getting ripped apart by critics! It’s a strong reaction and I find it very compelling. I’ve been critically pissed on a lot over the years, for my zine and for my chapbooks. One of my favorites was when a Goodreads reviewer said of my chapbook The Mutilation of Paris Hilton: “Absolutely disgusting. Why would anyone read this for fun?” I’m actually kind of weirded out that nobody has said anything bad about my newest book, The After-Life Story of Pork Knuckles Malone, since there’s a lot of offensive stuff in there.

Would you rather have everything you think automatically appear on your Twitter feed or have a voice in your head narrate your every move?

The voice in my head does a lot of narration as is. I take it that’s not supposed to happen? What about this internal laugh track? Is that supposed to be there?

Would you rather give up your computer or pens and paper?

I’d ditch the computer, although I don’t think publishers would be all that happy with the pages of hand-scribbled notebook paper I would have to submit to them. I think there’d be a noticeable uptick in rejection letters.

Would you rather write an entire novel standing on your tippy-toes or laying down flat on your back?

I was in a workshop once with a writer who revealed that he rarely touched a keyboard. He used dictation software. He just sat in his recliner and told his stories out loud. He only touched the keyboard to clean up the draft and do revisions. Seems relaxing and I could totally do that while laying down flat on my back, but I’d miss the physicality of writing.

Would you rather read naked in front of a packed room or have no one show up to your reading?

I would gladly read naked. I look better naked. In fact, if anyone wants to set up a naked reading for me, just let me know. I’ll need a big crowd though.

Would you rather read a book that is written poorly but has an excellent story, or read one with weak content but is written well?

The most compelling thing to me in art of any form is passion. As long as I get the sense that the author was absolutely in love with what the story they were writing, I don’t care how weak the writing is stylistically. This is part of the reason I’ve gravitated toward bizarro fiction. I love the stuff that publishers like Eraserhead Press and Bizarro Pulp Press are putting out, because the authors are dead set on telling wonderfully weird stories. Thankfully, many of these authors are also good stylistically.

And here is MP's response to the question Wayne Franklin posed to him last week:

Would you rather be forced to kill off your favorite character or to make your least favorite character your protagonist?

This is tough, because I think both would be really intriguing exercises. I'm going to go with making my least favorite character my protagonist, because it would force me to explore nooks and crannies of that character's personality that I may not have explored otherwise. That being said, looking back at the characters in my various published works, the ones I would say I like the least are the ones that weren't sufficiently developed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Check back next week to see how JA Tyler answer's MP Johnson's question:

 Would you rather write a 20 page essay about your bowling ability 

or a weekly column about your bowel's abilities?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MP Johnson's short stories have appeared in more than 25 underground books and magazines, including Bare Bone and Cthulhu Sex. His debut book, The After-Life Story of Pork Knuckles Malone, was recently released by Bizarro Pulp Press. His second book, Dungeons and Drag Queens, is due soon from Eraserhead Press. He is the creator of Freak Tension zine, a B-movie extra and an obsessive music fan currently based in Minneapolis . Learn more at www.freaktension.com.

He Says/She Says: The Geek's Guide to Dating (Part 3)

Read 11/4/13 -11/12/13

5 Stars - Highly Recommended / The Next Best Book

Pages: 208

Publisher: Quirk Books

Released: Now

Reviewed by both TNBBC and Drew Broussard

When Lori and Drew both ended up with copies of The Geek’s Guide to Dating, a brilliantly insane idea struck.  While they both love books and are self-professed geeks, their lives are otherwise almost diametrically opposed:  Boy vs girl – check. Young twenty-something vs late thirty-something – check. Recently single vs long time couple – check. No kids vs kids – check.  

And so a read-along was proposed, with a running email conversation, as they delved into one man’s guide to love in the time of geek.

Part 1 appeared here on Monday. 

Part 2 appeared on Raging Bibilioholism yesterday. 

In this installment, Chapter 3 – how to ask out your dream geek, amazing dates both taken and desired, and what’s the deal with wingmen anyway….

TNBBC: So, C3 dissects different modes of “asking a girl out” and I’ve got to raise the red flag over the whole social media as a medium thing. Eric calls it best and urges dudes to use good ole face-to-face or even the phone instead. For me, face-to-face is the best way to propose a date. Throwing out a date proposal on Twitter or Facebook is simultaneously stalkerish and impersonal and the scaredy-cat’s way out. I’d much rather watch a dude work up a sweat and drip snot out of his nose while he screws up the effort to pull the trigger on a date question (and oh my god yes this has happened to me I literally watched snot drip out of a guys nose and trickle down towards his lips while he summoned up the courage to ask for my email or phone number when he informed me he was quitting work and wanted to keep in touch) than open a Facebook message and read a well thought out and sweet come-on. For real. (and I totally didn't give him either, and he totally knew I was married and SOOOO not interested).

 RB: I like that Eric is urging, in sort of a sheep-dog, herding-you-in-the-right-direction way, guys to man up and do it in a non-social media fashion.  Because - actually, a) because that story is HILARIOUS.  and I'll wager that the dude probably, somewhere deep down inside, feels like he's a better person for having asked in person.  but also b) because it is better to do it non-social-media-y.  And I say this being wholly guilty of using text messages to set things up.  I've never asked a girl out on Twitter or Facebook (although they can be excellent flirtation tools in the utility belt, next to my shark repellent bat-spray) but I've done it over the phone, I've brought up the "hey, wanna get a drink?" thing via text... embarrassingly enough, that's even how I first asked out my last g/f.  

TNBBC: What did you think about some of Eric’s dating ideas? I kind of like the whole used bookstore/book sale, museum, outdoor event thing. It’s so much better than a stale ole date to the movies or just dinner. Even bowling or a friendly game of pool is cool. Or a wine tasting event? There’s this winery around here that once or twice a year invites couples to do a group grape squashing thing, where you get in a big tub and walk on the grapes like in that Keanu Reeves movie A Walk in the Clouds, and THEN attend a wine tasting event.

 Two “dates” I wished I had been taken on, (1) Corn Maze, Apple/Pumpkin picking in the fall and (2) a couples cooking class. I always thought those would be cool things to do as you’re getting to know a new boyfriend/girlfriend. My hubby and I actually had our very first couples massage this year – but it wasn't really what I expected NOR something I would recommend for newbies in the dating game. There’s literally no talking and you’re lying on a table under a blanket totally naked with only 5 feet between you and them. That might be a bit much on a first date, you think?

 RB: That winery date sounds AMAZING. As does a couples massage, although, yeah, probably gonna wanna wait a little while for that one.  At least until you're comfortable naked together - like, really comfortable, considering you're just kinda hanging out while other people massage you.

I've done the apple picking date, which is a surprisingly good litmus test for whether a girl can handle the outdoors (you know, before you ask her to go camping or something).  I love the cooking class idea - I've never taken a cooking class, solo or otherwise, although I love to cook... that's going in the back of my mind, for sure.  I like Eric's list, too - movies ARE such a stale thing, unless you can work something interesting into it (example: ex g/f and I's first-date movie was at MoMA, an old Hitchcock screened in 35mm).  The outdoor event / used bookstore thing is good, especially because it can just be a nice way to get to know someone: you walk around, you look at things, there's no pressure to do, you just get to be.  

Although it's also much more nerve-wracking - and, I'd argue, harder to do in certain situations (i.e. living in the city).  I'm lucky when I can get a girl to join me for a play or grab a drink - not because they aren't interested, necessarily, but because everyone's schedules are "so crazy".... which is why I often have dated friends or friends-of-friends. 

Which brings me to Eric's sidebar about the friendzone.  Much as I hate that term, I really like the advice he has there - it was the first time that the book actually spoke directly to me as opposed to somewhat obliquely / objectively.  I have a ton of really close female friends - including my best friend, who is also an ex.And so it can be tough to separate emotions at times and I've never heard it expressed so eloquently, the idea that it's okay to get your emotions mixed up but also here's how to a) be a good friend while also maybe b) advancing yourself when you can.  College me is ESPECIALLY interested in that segment.  

TNBBC:Ah yes. The dreaded friend zone. I hate to admit it but I have certainly stuck quite a few great guys in that zone during my much younger years (and I’ve also been placed there myself). Usually it would be dudes I had been interested in but realized that there were one or two weird personality things or annoying habits that I knew I couldn’t totally get down with at the time. It sucks when you really like someone and they put up the friend barrier like it’s no big thing.

Just for the record, we never actually did the winery date. It did sound amazing but was booked up at the time. Another one to add to my “date wishlist”. Le sigh. But if we did do it, I bet it WOULD have been amazing!

 Did I mention my husband and I had our very first unofficial/official date in the middle of the woods, camping with my friends? His girlfriend at the time had just dumped him and my guy pals and I had planned a night out with just our sleeping bags and the stars over our heads in the middle of the woods- so I invited him to come along. We consider that our first date now…

RB: That's a pretty spectacular first date.  And I'd agree with you guys, it totally counts as such.  Stories like that are my favorite kind - and also, my non-scientific research has shown, the ones that seem to engender the best and longest lasting relationships.  Maybe it’s just the creative in me but couples who have stories are the ones that find the most in each other, because they keep wanting to write the next chapters.  Sappy as that sounds.  

I suppose, to be fair, I've friend-zoned plenty of girls too - so I don't have much room to speak.  I've actually, now that I start thinking about it, probably done more than my share.  So I will stop thinking about it.

TNBBC: What did you think about the whole wingman thing?  A wingman for a first date? As in a third-wheel? I gotta tell you, if the dude I agreed to date brings along a bud, I’m out. That screams insecurity to me, and also smells like an easy-way-out-should-he-need-one. On top of that, if the wingman was a WINGLADY? Oh hellz to the no, sir. The date would be over before it even began. Jealousy lives in the breast and brain of every women, whether she admits it or not, and no way in HELL is the guy I’m about to date bringing another chick out with us. Wrong wrong wrong.

 RB: The wingman thing... I think you have to deploy the wingman only in the getting-of the first date.  It's the bar or party scenario, only.  I can't fathom bringing one on a first date - that just... I can't.  (I will say, in the bar/party scenario?  I owe as many wingwomen as wingmen thanks - and I've also successfully deployed the How I Met Your Mother "haaaaaave you met this person?", which is a personal achievement I'm far too proud of)

TNBBC: Oh well, when you explain it thaaaaaat way! (quickly changes subject so I don’t look COMPLETELY clueless) Can I just say that I adored the whole controls and combos thing for how Eric recommends different ways to ask a chick out?! Those were made of awesome.

RB:  I loved his combos too - one of the songs we play in my band, it's all about being nervous to call up a girl and one of the lyrics is about coming up with all sorts of different scenarios... and seeing them laid out in a book for me was just perfection.

Check back tomorrow, on Drew's blog - Raging Bibiloholism, for Part 4: Chapters 4 & 5 – Converse, FIRST DATE!, mixtapes and god-we’re-old…

Drew Broussard reads, a lot. When not doing that, he's writing stories or playing music or acting or producing or coming up with other ways to make trouble.  He also has a day job at The Public Theater in New York City.